Just words.....

Disclaimer: This post may not be the happiest. I am not sure where I am going with it. I just know that I figure I have the blog I should use it other than just for Jayci.

The past couple of days I have been feeling some overwhelming sadness. Sadness that is so deep and hurtful that I can't even express it. Many of you (probably all that read this) know about one of my very good friends, actually best friend, that has gotten herself into quite some trouble. I say "some" very loosely. I just am not sure where to go with the feelings I have about her. Of course I pray for peace and comfort but it's like I just want more. I want my heart to feel happy and whole again. For me, my friend getting in trouble is almost like she died, except she didn't. But when I have a bad day she's not there to call. When I want to go pick up a Starbucks and go to Target, she's not there. When I loose 2 pounds she's not there to share in the joy. All of these things that best friends are supposed to be there for she is not there. Yet her phone number is still in my phone. I just cannot bring myself to delete it and probably never will (unless of course she gets a new number and I know about it).

Anyway, the sadness comes and goes. Each day is a little different. Each week that passes by that I don't receive a letter back from her makes me a little more mad, hurt, ect. Then I question our friendship and what it really was. I mean what kind of friend lies to you over and over again. For 8 YEARS!!! But I still dealt with it, even though I didn't trust a word she spoke. Deep down in my heart I really wanted to. I wanted to believe ever word she said but I knew I shouldn't.

Anyway, I'm not sure that any of that made since but it felt right. It at least let me express some feelings into words. So onto other feelings.... Nursing - there are so many places you can work with nursing. For me I can't tell you want I want to do but I can definitely tell you what I do NOT want to do.

I do not want to do Med Surg. That floor is not for me. It took me about 10 minutes and 1 incontinent man on my first day to realize that wasn't the place for me.

Another place I learned I don't want to be is Labor & Delivery. The miracle of birth is an amazing and beautiful thing....in theory. I am here to tell you watching a baby be born is anything but beautiful. This following is going to be the story of my day (of course without HIPPA violations). Warning it's not all happy.

My day started with me being on the postpartum unit. My patient and her baby were healthy and being discharged today. That was great. They were discharged about noon so I wasn't going to have a patient for the rest of the day. Being the ambitious student I am, plus I didn't see anything last week on L&D, I called my instructor and said I need something to do. She calls me back and says come on up to L&D they are super busy up here. Without hesitation here I go...

I get up to L&D my nurse, we'll call her J, had 2 patients. Both were due for c-sections close together. Therefore, she had to ask another nurse, B, to step in with one of the patients. Well, B was my nurse last week and needless to say I did not want to be back with her. So J gave me the choice to either follow B with that c/s (c-section) or go with her to the other c/s. I thought I like J, she's a really good nurse and has actually spoke to me, I'll just follow her. Well right before we went to the other patients room she warned me that the baby would probably not live and may not even take a breath at birth. Well that threw me through a whole different loop.

You see I have yet to see a person die. Let alone see a baby die. But there again the ambitious student side of me said this is part of it. If you want to work in L&D you have to know if you can handle it. So I went with J.

Before my c/s was ready, a classmate, A, had a patient that was going to give birth vaginally. So I ask my nurse can I go with her just to watch. Of course she doesn't care. It's a learning hospital, you never know who is going to be in your delivery room. So I hurry in there. And about the time the doctor put the gloves on Mom was ready to push. And what do you know 3 pushes and like 10 minutes later baby was born. I say born he more like fell out. I'm not sure if it was supposed to happen like that but it did. And it was wet and slimy and gross. Of course the baby was beautiful and I did cry a little bit but over all not a "beautiful" experience. So mom, dad, and baby were all good there. So I head back to my patient...

Now that I have seen a healthy baby be born I have myself psyched up to see a not so healthy baby be born via c/s. I will save all of the details about the baby but this was the saddest situation I have every been through. Being a mother and having gone through a c/s I cannot imagine what it would be like to have to be that mom. To know that your baby may not cry or even breath after he is born. Well, I watched the baby try to cry and breath and heard mom cry as she heard it herself. An operating room full of doctors, nurses, techs, med students, scrub techs, nursing students all very sad. Needless to say I had to step out of the OR to regain composure. And I did and followed the family back to recovery. I cried a lot with my nurse, with the family, and with one of my former instructors. I pray for this family to have peace over them. They will surely need it in the days, weeks, months, and years to come.

OK so this was a really long and sad post. I apologize. I have no idea if it makes any since. I have been up since 4 this morning and it has been a really long day, obviously. But for some reason I wanted to post all of it. The births and deaths today made me really thank God a lot for the many blessings he has given me. He is my rock and my Savior. I could not get through any of this without him.

Thank you God for your many Blessings you pour out on me. Be with both of these families from today! They each need you in their own special way.