Reality

Korbyn will be 10-weeks-old tomorrow and I think I have finally came to a reality. A reality that is pretty scary to me. The reality I am talking about is post partum depression. With Jayci I was so depressed, sad, and just didn’t feel like I connected with her. It was obvious that I was going through something and I could recognize it.

This time with Korbyn I had 3 days when my milk was coming in that I was so tearful but after that I was fine. I was so happy to be his mommy. Even with the struggles of breastfeeding and the adjustments of going from one child to two I felt happy. I have felt like our family was perfect (for the time) and I didn’t want anything to change with one exception.

That exception would be the anxiety that I have been feeling. The feeling that something is going to happen to my baby. I know most moms worry about their babies but for me it is an extreme. When he first came home I was terrified someone was going to drop him. I would let other people hold him but I constantly worried that that person was going to drop him. I could literally see him falling. And I did think to myself okay this is not normal but it went away after about a month. Then I felt fine for a while. I didn’t really worry overly but I was home with him all the time!

Then I got ready to go back to work. I had knots in my stomach days before I had to go back. Then the day I actually went back I cried most of the day and then all the way to work. Let me just clarify while I am at work the kids are staying with Jay, their DAD! Like what better person to keep them. But still I thought okay if something happens does Jay know what to do? The whole time I am at work I worry that he is going to call and something horrible has happened. I also do not want anyone else watching K besides Jay or I. And the only reason I leave him with Jay is because I have to.

The day K received his 2 month shots I was so nervous. I even split them up so he only received 2 of the 3 shots. That night I was going to a thing at church and I almost didn’t go. All the serious reactions you can have to vaccinations I just knew my baby was going to be the one to have one or all of them. And sure he was a little more fussy but  nothing terrible. I kept my phone right beside me and watched it like a hawk waiting on it to ring.

I just have to say work is the worst because I feel like K is going to get everything that I see plus things that I don’t. I came home on Monday and checked his temperature probably 5 times that day. I sound like a hypochondriac but I don’t actually take him to the doctor and I really only did this for a day. 

I type all of this because I know the reality that this is probably not normal. Sure it’s normal to worry but to this extreme? I can’t decide if it is because there is some post partum stuff going on or just because I know more now than what I did with Jayci. Or maybe it’s a combinations…because I know more, I worry and have anxiety about more. 

Anyway, I just wanted to put my feelings out there. It helps me realize that I could be dealing with something more than regular emotions. I am not quite ready to do anything about it except to acknowledge that it is a reality. I am still rational enough to know that I am being irrational. Okay, I am going to go now and try to clean up some of this house. Hope you all have a good day and weekend if I am not back before then.

~ Kristen